Well woman?

Today was my annual physical. All of you ladies can relate, right?
You know, the one where you go to the doctor, get weighed, poked and prodded, all in the quest to be a "well woman".

The whole thing is bogus, if you ask me.

Let me relate my experience in my attempt to proudly wear the well woman banner.

First, they ask you to arrive a few minutes early to fill out paperwork. My appointment was for 8:30 and I arrived a little after 8 to ensure that I could get in and out quickly. OK, bring out that piece of paper so I can stand here and fill it out. With a perfectly straight face, the receptionist handed me a ream of papers to fill out, both front and back. There was no way I could stand that long to fill out all of those papers. I am not kidding you, I could have injured my back carrying that stack to my chair. They wanted to know everything about me, my mom and my dad. Do I drink? No, are you offering me one? Have I ever smoked? No, but I might be tempted right about now. Do you wear a seat belt? UhOh, this chair must be getting ready for escape. Have I ever thought of poking my eyeballs out with chopsticks? YES, right about now!!

Promptly at 8:40, I was called back to the inner sanctum of the doctor office.
"Please have a seat, we will need to go over your paperwork." Hold on here, why in the heck did you have me sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes getting writers cramp for you to go over the paperwork with me? The nurse asked me questions about some of my answers and then took a yellow highlighter and highlighted some of my responses. Man, I felt like I was back in high school, getting graded on a big exam.

Finally, got past that hurdle. Next up...weight, temp, height and blood pressure. Any illusion of me walking out of this place a well woman, went down in flames. I have lost half an inch (if you see that puppy running around, grab it for me) and my blood pressure was up. Gee, do you think there might have been some correlation between the reams of paper I just filled out and my blood pressure? Let's be reasonable here.

"Let's go get your urine sample'" NOPE, WE are not going to do that. I do know how to do that alone thank you. Mission accomplished.

Finally made it to the examining room. I was given haute couture to wear. Paper, pastel pink vest thing and a matching piece of pink paper that she called a blanket. I am becoming seriously concerned about the educational level of the staff at my doctors office, if she thinks a sheet of paper is a blanket. Nurse leaves and I slip into something less comfortable. My doctor knocks and comes in. She proceeds to go over the highlighted responses and then goes over the each piece of paper that I have filled out. Are they thinking the answers will change if they keep going over them??

Moving on to the actual examination: breathing ok, heart is beating ok, can hear semi ok, can see doctor hitting knee with little hammer ok, knee jerked ok. WooHoo, almost home.

Men might want to skip this paragraph... Time to assume the position. You ladies know what I am talking about right. One leg pointing east and one leg pointing west.
OK, almost ready. Oh No, a cramp in my thigh. Help, Oh My God, help get me up. Unstrap me. Holy crap. My doctor did her best to help me and even flexed my foot. "OK, let's try again". Does this mean she is gonna let me go home and she will assume the position for me? No such luck, she takes my foot and puts it in the stirrup. OW, Ow, not again. Help me, I am dying here! At this point, I am jumping around the floor with my pastel pink blanket wrapped around me. Can you imagine what my doctor is thinking about now? Third time has to be the charm. Let's go for the gold. Finally success. Let me get dressed and out of this place.

Men can begin reading again...

What do you mean, EKG? They allow half of me to get dressed and I proceed down the hall in my paper, pastel pink vest with the matching blanket wrapped around me as a stole. Let me tell you, Naomi Campbell would have been jealous of my outfit today.

EKG finished...I do have a heart. I told all of you I did.

Back to the examination room, get dressed and get to sit while they make sure all of the tests are OK. 10 minutes later, the nurse came in and said I could go home.

I survived! I am now a shorter, older, crampy legged woman. Funny, they didn't make that appointment for me when I called for my well woman appointment. How long did all of this fun take, you might ask? I walked out of the doctors office at 10:20...almost 2 and a half hours later.

Stay tuned...tomorrow is the back ablation and next week is the mammogram. Hate to think what malady will befall me during those appointments.

Happy Birthday USA

Remember me?

Some people call me Old Glory, others call me the Star Spangled Banner; but whatever they call me, I am your Flag, the Flag of the United States of America.

Something has been bothering me, so I thought I might talk it over with you because it is about you and me. I remember some time ago people lined up on both sides of the street to watch the parade and naturally I was leading the parade, proudly waving in the breeze.

When your daddy saw me coming, he immediately removed his hat and placed it against his shoulder so that his hand was directly over his heart. REMEMBER? I remember you, standing there straight as a soldier. You didn't have a hat, but you were giving the right salute. Remember little sister? Not to be outdone, she was saluting the same way with her hand over her heart. REMEMBER? What happened?

I'm still the same old flag.

Oh, I have a few more stars since you were small; a lot more blood has been shed since those parades of long ago. I don't feel as proud as I used to. When I come down your street you stand with your hands in your pocket. I may get a glance and then you look away. The children are running around and shouting. They don't seem to know who I am...I saw one man take his hat off, then look around. He didn't see anyone else with his off, so he quickly put his back on.

Well, it won't be long until I'll be coming down your street again. So, when you see me, stand straight; place your right hand over your heart. And I'll salute you by waving back. And I'll know that YOU REMEMBER ME!
Author Unknown

Happy Birthday USA. I love you!!